welcome 2012

now is the new year's eve and i should be happy and exited to face the new phase in my life which in another 3 months i will be 18! yeay! but im feeling kinda nervous. is that necessary? maybe im just too eager waiting whats next in my absolutely boring life! 2011 has left me so many memories that brings tears and laughs. there are so many dramas in 2011 and not to forget SPM.

in 5 years im spending my time wearing school uniform, there are no other year such 2011. this is my final year. senior year. a totally important year. everything happen on that year! why is that? kenapa tak jadik dari dulu lagi? kenapa?!

but after all the chaotic life, it didn't turn me off. my grades are getting better and better. im finally can erase the G mark on my report card forever. that is huge. on trial lately, i got 8 as. alhamdulillah ;) and i wish it will add up to 10 on my slip. amin.

there are a lot of things happen before trial and it grew bigger upon the most important event of the year which is the SPM. what else it could be if it not boys? im hardly avoiding myself from this creature from the beginning. but wey, im human too. otherwise, im a girl. kayu pon ada yang lembut jugak contohnya herbaceous plant. i think im ready to share about them here. ok. let me start form the fist one. bukan first boyfriend pon ok! lets just call them by the alphabet ok? that is cuter ;)

mr A. he is my absolutely mr.firs-time. the first man i ride on a motorbike with. he is the first guy who teach me how to love and to be loved. he is the first guy who can reach and melted my grumbly heart. hes the first guy who touch and hold my hand. (ok. this is embarrassing since no one had hold my hand yet!) not to forget, he is the reason why i came to kampung lukut for the first time. there are a place in my place where people called it kampung lukut. and he lives there. and a lot more other first time. i just fell for him because the way he treated me or the other girls is so sweet and nice. he is a bit Casanova type but it doesn't matter. its just the way hes flirt. but it doesn't last long for us because something came up and it is the matter of friendship. sometimes, friend is more valuable than a lover. i really respect that. but i think its just can work out between us if we give it a shot and do not care about other people feelings. but no!

mr. B. during the meltdown and heart-crushing moment of me and mr.A, there it came the mr.B saving me and try to forget my feeling towards A. B is completely different from A. if A likes to play with fascinating words and always flirt with me but B is so caring and understanding. i can talk to him about everything, anything at any time.he always there when im down and when i needed someone. he cares about me so much. he remember everything i said to him even the tiny craps. i am forget what i told him but he can repeat everything. thats what i love about him. but it just didn't work between us. in relationship, you cannot underestimate the power of chemistry. one day he can be sweet and loving but the next day he can be such annoying. sometimes im getting bored with him and i left him without a word for weeks and then i started to miss him back. then i realize, it better for me to step out first before something wrong is going to happen. this relationship cannot work if its only on one behalf. im afraid if i cannot give a full commitment on our relationship (if its really happening) btw, i found him more suit for a perfect husband rather than perfect boyfriend. HAHA

mr.C. i knew him before i knew A and B. since then we were being such a great pals. i can talk almost everything with him. we were like bruno mars's song "count on me" yeah. i love being friends with him^^ until then, he proposed me and tell me that he likes me. sick! i thought he is just joking and im also yeah yeah me too haha. then suddenly, "im serious babe. im not joking about this thing" im like :O like i usually did, i rejected him. i said that im not ready he totally understands me. and also i asked him, are you ready to be my first boyfriend?  then he replied, always ready but im not ready to be the first one who let you down. hmmm... till now, he still try me and never give up. i saw his determination and willpower. but i have this tiny little problem. saya susah nak percaya kat orang. you cannot easily convince me by just saying it. you must show it. that is why its really hard for me to just open my heart and let anyone in. the moment i started to feel confident with him, started to trust his words and wanna give him a chance, and suddenly he blew it away. i saw him flirting with his ex. ok. im not taking a risk here.

mr. D. this guy came out of nowhere. like suddenly he pop up and make my life a complete disaster. first time i saw him and i like him instantly. but when i get to know him further, oh come on! i cant stand you any longer! just imagine someone who text you every hour just to tell hai you. rindulah! call you at 2 in the morning to say nothing? force you to say i miss you i love you at the end of your conversation? always flirting like calling you baby and sayang that is totally yucks if you had no feeling for them at all! sayang can be acceptable if there are sparks in your heart but this feeling is absolutely nothing rather than yucks! gosh! seriously, this one is suitable for desperaters of you just wanna have fun and get out of a sudden bored. hiewhiew~ and he also propose me right before mr.D. guess what did i do?

mr.E. he is one of my friends. we befriended since year six. we have being a great friend to fight and tease and HAHA. sometimes i took an advantage towards him to find any secrets. he willing to tell me everything.  it is so fun. until this year. suddenly he showed an interest with me. im just cool and acted like nothing had happen. im absolutely fine. until a one fine day, we just texting. and texting. and texting. and he started going out of path. mumbling and rumbling and a proposal came out. blah! it is totally unacceptable! we are friends dude! dont ruin this tie just because of your stupid feelings. hah! forget it. lets just be friends. anyway, its kinda awkward though.

mr.F. he is also my classmates. like mr A, and B. he is the reason why me and mr. A decided not to continue our interesting relationship. haha! nak jaga hati kawan. they said that he likes me long before but i just knew it this year. he is not the one who you will instantly like for the first impression. even after a several years of impression i dont thing you will like him. he is so annoying. none of my girls like him. he is not a bad guy but he can be bad on certain occasion. but he also a human and have heart. no matter how bad the person is, he still a human being and we should treat him like one. that is my finest principle. i dont have feelings towards him anyway. he just have a crush on me and i appreciate that ;)

mr.G. my classmate either and one of my best guy friend. we are friend! you know that? friend? a guy friend which i can treated like a girl best friend. i can tell him about A, about B and sometimes F. hahaha. but one thing i didn't know at all is he likes me too. the moment he tell me this i didn't feel anything. its just kinda felt appreciated and a bit moved. btw, its a long time ago. back in form 4. its just an old crappy crush. but i does not stop at there. a few days after that, he came clean to me saying that the feelings is still there. he tried to erase it but he cant. gosh! i was like damn! i tell you everything and now i feel like shit! he said, its ok. its not your fault. its not like something you know. then i said, but we were cool right? we were friends. and yeah. we cool. for me. i dont really know how he feels. what i know is, i feel bad T__T

mr.H. i just knew him. he is a friend of mine. i get along with him very quickly because we are like a crazy bro's! we are really crazy together. i like being friends with him. just friends. i can see how he tried to impress me. to show his real feeling for me but im really sorry. IF there are any feelings for me in your heart, im sorry i cannot deliver it back. really really really sorry.

thats it. i learn that mencintai tak semestinya memiliki. redha itu ikhlas, pasrah itu menyerah.im absolutely redha on A and pasrah on B and C. hahaha. the one that i really love is still out there. happy with his beloved girlfriend. i cannot reach him. although i can but i refuse to do so.i dont want to be happy on other girls's tears. that is not a genuine love. i love this guy for such a long time. i tried to forget him but three years is not enough. when i saw him, there still a sparks in my heart. i can feel it although im always pretending like nothing happen. i am very sure about this one that i love him. if he propose me, i will not take even a second to think. but is all just a dream. if he happy, im also happy because im happy to see the one i love happy ;)

so that is 2011. whats on 2012 is still a mystery...